Living With Contradictions

There has been little time for writing this past week, much less thinking. Lots of loving people in my life are in contact, offering to help somehow, visiting, calling, etc. It is all so greatly appreciated, but, increasingly, I find that I enjoy times of solitude as well. When I don't get them I really do miss it.

My medical records have been sent off to Boston University's Amyloidosis Treatment and Research Program. They will review my information and decide if I might be accepted; if I am, we will go back to Boston and I would have two days of intensive outpatient testing and meetings. They would then make recommendations to my doctor here in Spokane about treatment, which would be done here. I look forward to it as an excuse to go back to spend time with Ryan, Salina, and, of course, the grandkids. Also to go have a good single malt at the Harvard Faculty Club.

I have also thought about what I might feel if they say, "No, it doesn't look like there is anything we can do". I believe I am prepared for that and able to accept such information. However, perhaps I am just fooling myself, my self-delusion, and that in fact me and my ego will keep clinging on to this mirage that "self" mustn't come to an end. That is my greater worry. Strange, isn't it? That in itself seems to clash with my notion that I must live in "the now". Projecting into a future that is not really there.

If you are even slightly familiar with Carl Jung, you are likely to have heard the term "our shadow", a reference to that dark side that we all have, tucked away and hidden, we hope, from all who know us. We hide it because is the part that really conflicts with the mythology that we create about who we are. We know the thoughts and perhaps deeds we commit that we wouldn't want our loved ones, friends and relatives to know about because they are just plain "wrong" and we feel "shame" for having them. But, in fact, this shadow is a part of our humanness and it is universal. It is a hard to come to grips and accept that part of ourselves. We certainly don't seem to be able to accept the shadow in others, especially the high and mighty; we love the spectacle of seeing others being crushed and falling from the sky of celebrityhood and power. Maybe we can see the same shadow in ourselves, but our moral rectitude demands we protest against those whose shadows have had the light of publicity shown on them.

I know my shadow side and while I am not going to go singing about it, I do believe that having accepted the fact that it is there allows me to chip away and make it smaller. Still, it is a contradiction in my life. No doubt I have many other contradictions I live with.

Thinking about nature, the thought of water currents came to mind. They all have a direction, right? But then, along the shore, the periphery, there are eddys and little whirlpools that go spinning about randomly; they are a contradiction as well. Well, perhaps then it is OK to have these contradictions in our lives, as long as we can focus our direction in a singular path. I am good with that.