No Salt and Other Non-joys

For some time now, food has not been much of a joy. I have enjoyed, for all of my life, eating and I like to think of myself as a bit of a "foodie". I have enjoyed cooking, international dishes, new tastes and spices, and old standards, be that a casserole or pickled pigs feet. However, with the chemo it appears that my taste-buds have gone on vacation and my esophagus has decided that it doesn't want anything "chunky" to reach my stomach. Most unpleasant.

Then there are the issues with my kidney. The protein spillage and the build up of amyloids in the kidney had been causing edema in my ankles and lower legs. For that they have had me on Lisinopril and a diuretic, the latter making me pee a lot in an effort to keep the liquids from settling in my legs. Of course the doctor wanted me to do one other thing to help my kidneys: eliminate salt.

He arranged for me to have an appointment with a nutritionist to discuss this with me. It took a couple of weeks before I could get in to see her, and with the food issues I wasn't too keen to eliminate salt from a diet that is already lacking in flavor. Peggy and I were introduced to a pleasant enough young woman, perhaps in her mid-twenties, definitely younger than our children. With all of that "book learning" she was quite confident about her expertise. She went on and on about foods that I shouldn't be eating. The more she went on the more sarcastic I became, not quite rude, but not very open to her suggestions. I think a more experienced person might have been able to better read their patient and dropped the nutrition talk and started taking with the person. As it was I dropped further and further into myself and had little to say as we left the office. Before we went outside I went to the bathroom and just broke down and cried.

Through all of this MM, I have been quite able to talk about the cancer, about death and dying. Why was this such a big deal? Why did I have a bit of an emotional breakdown over "salt" of all things? Was it simply because of the food issues I am already dealing with? Or could it be that I really haven't dealt with the emotions of death and knowing that it is a reality, one closer at hand than I would like to think it is?

This certainly isn't the best period of my life. My first cancer had some hard times, but once I got through those times, we were back to the "good life". I know that with Multiple Myeloma things are not going to be going into any sort of long term remission; that's a given. But when I look to the future it is hard to believe that I will get back much of that "good life" again. The diarrhea, the fatigue due to the low blood pressure I have, the food issues, the pain in my legs and edema take a lot from you. Should all of this pass in the future, this post will look pretty silly and "whiney", but that is how I feel today

Living With Contradictions

There has been little time for writing this past week, much less thinking. Lots of loving people in my life are in contact, offering to help somehow, visiting, calling, etc. It is all so greatly appreciated, but, increasingly, I find that I enjoy times of solitude as well. When I don't get them I really do miss it.

My medical records have been sent off to Boston University's Amyloidosis Treatment and Research Program. They will review my information and decide if I might be accepted; if I am, we will go back to Boston and I would have two days of intensive outpatient testing and meetings. They would then make recommendations to my doctor here in Spokane about treatment, which would be done here. I look forward to it as an excuse to go back to spend time with Ryan, Salina, and, of course, the grandkids. Also to go have a good single malt at the Harvard Faculty Club.

I have also thought about what I might feel if they say, "No, it doesn't look like there is anything we can do". I believe I am prepared for that and able to accept such information. However, perhaps I am just fooling myself, my self-delusion, and that in fact me and my ego will keep clinging on to this mirage that "self" mustn't come to an end. That is my greater worry. Strange, isn't it? That in itself seems to clash with my notion that I must live in "the now". Projecting into a future that is not really there.

If you are even slightly familiar with Carl Jung, you are likely to have heard the term "our shadow", a reference to that dark side that we all have, tucked away and hidden, we hope, from all who know us. We hide it because is the part that really conflicts with the mythology that we create about who we are. We know the thoughts and perhaps deeds we commit that we wouldn't want our loved ones, friends and relatives to know about because they are just plain "wrong" and we feel "shame" for having them. But, in fact, this shadow is a part of our humanness and it is universal. It is a hard to come to grips and accept that part of ourselves. We certainly don't seem to be able to accept the shadow in others, especially the high and mighty; we love the spectacle of seeing others being crushed and falling from the sky of celebrityhood and power. Maybe we can see the same shadow in ourselves, but our moral rectitude demands we protest against those whose shadows have had the light of publicity shown on them.

I know my shadow side and while I am not going to go singing about it, I do believe that having accepted the fact that it is there allows me to chip away and make it smaller. Still, it is a contradiction in my life. No doubt I have many other contradictions I live with.

Thinking about nature, the thought of water currents came to mind. They all have a direction, right? But then, along the shore, the periphery, there are eddys and little whirlpools that go spinning about randomly; they are a contradiction as well. Well, perhaps then it is OK to have these contradictions in our lives, as long as we can focus our direction in a singular path. I am good with that.